The Online Literary Magazine of Cerritos College

Essay

Miguel Garcia

The Chronic Pain

   As I awake from my sleep, before I can open my eyes, it starts.  It is an inner battle, which may decide my fate.  Is it worth the battle? Maybe I can defeat it today and it will never come back, or am I making it worse by hiding the truth?  I have found a way to suppress it and I have found a way to ignore it and this is where I want to be.  I feel it goes away, but it does not go away.  I think I anger it if I depress it and I aggravate it when I ignore it.  I feel like fighting it face to face, but I cannot see the source.  It is a sharp, chronic, devastating pain I feel all over my joints every day.  I think I need to get away!  No, I know I am going to get away-- that is why I am in this battle today.  I know where I would love to be.

     It is my choice to take the pills and feel the high today.  This helps depress the sharp chronic pain for some hours, but I wonder if I am helping it defeat me faster, rushing me to my grave.  When I take the pills, I don’t feel ill. This is where I wish I could be.  No more chronic pain and no shame.  The pills that give me this thrill were prescribed.  I feel warm cozy all over, like when mother hugged me and made it all better.  Nothing can hurt me here.  I am protected, so I think. Four hours have gone by now, the chronic pain is coming back, as if with a vengeance for not giving it its proper time.  It brings its friend depression as if the chronic pain is not enough to bring me down today.  Now I feel the shame, for being lame and not standing up to the chronic pain, with just my will strength.  Is this where I really want to be or is the chronic pain pushing me to play its game?  No, this place is not for me for I have battled the chronic pain without the pill and drained out some of its strength.  I have battled the chronic pain without these make believe thrills and lived another day defeating this pain that can almost kill.

     I have also learned to ignore the chronic pain.  When I go to a theater, I simply shut it out.  Yeah, this is where I would rather be.  A deep surround sound, the dimming of the lights, and the fresh air conditioner make it feel all right.  By nibbling on some popcorn and sipping on a cold drink, my mind is kept busy and makes the chronic pain shrink.  The drama in the movie carries me away.  I have stepped into another world and I have forgotten mine.  I see the actors' tears and their pain.  I make a sarcastic gesture with my face, for I do not feel a thing.  Oh no! The credits of the movie have started to appear.  That is the end of this battle, for now my tears will be real. The chronic pain is back! I know I have angered it now, because it will not let me get out of my seat.  I gnash my teeth and close my eyes in sorrow.  I think I have just been beaten. No, this is not the place for me.

     I refuse to lose this battle because giving up is not my thing.  I need to find a place to battle and defeat this chronic pain.  I have learned something from this grueling war. Now I know where I would love to be. Where I have always been in my right state of mind.  Here I have defeated any malice that has tried start a fight.  I have accomplished every challenge that has been brought forth. Here my feelings are real, the laughter as well as the tears.  Here my family comforts me when I start to feel ill.  When I have them by my side, there is no pain strong enough that can keep me down.  For I will fight with everything I have not to see them cry.  I know they love me and need me by their side.  The chronic pain is nothing but a twitch in the joints now.  I salute the pain for battling me and making me humble.  It has taught me that with a little pain you might have a lot to gain. There is no place I would rather be than with the people who love me.

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