(f) My childhood flashed before my eyes.  Having to experience neglect and abuse at a very young age I had difficult time accepting not only others but me as well.  It started back when I was five years old and I lived in some apartments in the city of South Gate.  I was playing around with my friends from the block and running around the back side of the apartments when this fat obese Mexican man harassed me.  It started when my friend and I went to go visit her uncle who had just come from [another country] after visiting a relative, the man who's name I don't know got me and sat me on his lap and started touching my legs and back then gliding his hands between my legs.  I didn't know what to do so I just took off running home.  I felt all these types of feelings, most of all weird.  The next day he asked me if I wanted to help him blow a balloon which I now know was a condom.  I told my parents about it and they called the cops and they took him to jail and in that same week that had happened, my parents decided to move.  After having gone through this I thought it was the end but then this happened.  At the age of 12 I was raped by one of my friends' brothers' friends.  It happened after school when I went over to her house. Her brother and his friends had been drinking.  The point, two of his friends took advantage of me and my friend and her brother didn't do anything to stop them.  I was only 12 and they were both 17, I couldn't take on the force they were pushing on me.  I don't remember how I got home but when I did I broke the news to my mom. She became so hysterical that she called the cops and after weeks of trial and court they went to jail for 10 years because of their bad records.  My parents became strict with me ever since and choose not to look back or even talk about my past and I'm ok with it.  This experience has affected me in a way where when I would get physical with my boyfriends I would have flashbacks of the day I was raped and harassed.  It took me awhile accept it but at times I still feel unacceptable of myself and try to overcome it but it's hard.  I look back now and being the oldest of five kids, I protect my brothers especially my little sister because I don't want her to ever go through what I went through.

(m)  When I planned on taking this course, I would never have guessed the subject of childhood sexual abuse would be part of the material covered in class.  The day you lectured on this subject, it was a huge surprise, and the statistics were shocking.  As the lecture moved on to the short and long term effects abuse can have on a person, to my surprise I had some of the symptoms you were describing.  At that moment I remembered something I had unconsciously suppressed for years; I am that one in four that have been sexually abused as a child.  This past month I have had many problems I've had to deal with, from a car accident to extreme levels of stress, but with the support of my friends, I've been able to push through.  Yet, once the horrible memory of the sexual abuse I've experienced was in my mind, I felt as though my world was collapsing.  I was able to keep my composure in class, but once over, I went straight to my car, where I cried until my eyes hurt.  I felt lost, ashamed, disgusted; I felt like I wasn't a complete man.  These feelings were so strong, I eventually became ill; having constant migraines, loss of appetite, not being able to retain food, I was weak, lacked sleep, I even stopped coming to class.  Fortunately, I have a wonderful friend my best friend, which helped me through the initial shock of my situation.  Sadly, my friend gave me advice through her own experience because he too has been abused as a child.  We shared our experiences and feelings to each other, as a result, it gave me enough strength to come back to reality.  Upon my return, I could see the devastation it has caused in my life.  I'm trying to get back on track, trying to fix what has been broken.  I'm far from being over this, but at least I am able to function again.  Now that I am more calm and can kind of reflect on the whole situation (so I can write this paper).  It's prepared me for the future, one day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to share this with my family, and maybe I'll be able to protect my younger brothers and sisters from experiencing anything like that.  Now, I look forward and the only thing I want to think about is recuperation, not only psychological, but in school, family, work.  I have grown so much as a person and I AM READY to get my life on the right track.

(f) I chose this topic because I have to tell somebody about this.  My parents divorced when I was two and I lived with my mom until I was seven.  We moved around a lot' My mom was finally situated and remarried.  After the wedding my step-dad would walk around the house naked while I was still home.  He told me it was ok to walk around naked, but it didn't feel right to me.  Then one day I was home alone with him and he asked me to do him a favor.  I said ok because I trusted him, but when he asked me to put lotion on my hands and massage it into his penis I was terrified.  I ended up doing what he asked so he would not be mad at me.  I told my dad what happened and he took the case to court.  After the trial, 'NAME' went to jail and my dad gained custody of me.  I was eight then. '

(f)  One has to wonder what the world has come to when one of the most disgusting acts is such a familiar subject to so many people.   Out of all the people I know including myself, only one has never been a victim of child abuse.  I can't help but feel like this shouldn't be the case.  It's more than just a shame that so many people have been put through such a horrible experience.  I can only speak for myself when I describe what I feel and how my experience has affected me, so I felt that it was only appropriate to write my reaction paper on this subject because it has been a great deal of how I have come to be.  When the subject of child abuse was first brought up in class it was not the easiest discussion to sit through.  I spend a great deal of my life trying to hold back feelings and pretend like nothing bothers me but I am kind of glad it took me out of my comfort zone because it made me realize that I am not doing as fine as I thought I was.  I used to wonder why I constantly battled with depression when I was supposed to be so happy.  I used to stay in a state of denial about the abuse and try to blame the feeling of emptiness on other things.  But I think I am finally ready to accept that the core of all those reoccurring problems is that one event that I have been trying so hard to deal with through denial.  I also agree with the idea that no sexual abuse is 'better' or 'worse' to a child.  Anything that affects a child's development physically or psychologically is not good.  '

(f)  If I had to choose from each and every sorrow, heartache, sadness and regret in this roller coaster life of mine, I'd reach to the highest point.  I'd take it to the maximum; the peak of all my problems and share it's effects it had on me throughout my life./  From the early ages of nine to about twelve, I was introduced to a world outside of my ordinary.  I'm sure many people can relate to my situation, but at that time, I was completely alone.  My step-father (at the time) had been sexually abusing me for years.  Even though I knew it was immoral and wrong, and that it wasn't my fault, the long-term effects got a hold of my life so quick, I didn't know what had come over me/  In the earlier years, right after the abuse ended, I found myself avoiding closeness with my immediate family.  I felt angry at them and hardly ever told them I loved them.  Till this day, I find it hard to express my emotions through verbal communication.  I felt so alone and depressed almost every day.  The feeling of not wanting to live and daily mood swings and stress was becoming a natural part of my life, which carried itself into the present day./   The later years, including now, is just basically denying the fact I am or was ever emotionally hurt.  I don't know why I refuse to get counseling or any type of help. I'd rather not talk about it I guess.  But from what I've noticed, I have a hard time carrying healthy long lasting relationships.  The odds of putting my entire trust in another person are extremely low or non-existent.  I don't want it to be that way, it just is.  I also crave attention from my boyfriend and fear the thought of losing him for no particular reason.  Any wrongful act he does toward me is quickly forgiven, because I don't want to be alone.  It also seems like my social life has gone through the roof.  For instance, prior to my relationship with my boyfriend, I've had multiple sex partners, yet no satisfaction or pleasure from it (what so ever)I find myself always wanting to please my partner rather than pleasing myself.  Unfortunately I have had an STI , and one abortion because I feel I will not make a good mother.  The job choice I have chosen right now could be another effect of my childhood experience.  The choice to be a stripper rather than a receptionist or waitress is defiantly something I'd rather do, and don't know why.  Alcohol had a tiny effect on my life.  Although not serious, it could've gotten that way if I had continued to let partying control my life.  Drugs?  Not existent in my life, thank God!  That's one good thing, right? When it comes to my friends, I have  had a hard time trusting them and also maintaining their trust.  I've back stabbed friends for no reason, I guess because I feel I need attention.  I don't know.  Although I can honestly admit all these effects are probably from sexual abuse, I hope that one day I can overcome them.  I would like to receive help, but I just don't know who or where to turn to.  I hope that someday, I can write a paper containing all of my PAST effects from childhood abuse.

All my childhood I knew I was different, but I didn't understand why until I was old enough to know what happened to me wasn't normal, and it was wrong.  At the time it happened I didn't understand what exactly was going on, but somehow it didn't feel right.  One day I remember my Mom took me to the restroom and when I pulled down my underwear their were blood stains and she asked me if anybody had come close to me and touched me and I told her no.  Then she looked at me down there and asked me again, who touched you?  I didn't know why she would ask that, I was confused and all my family were around me asking me questions.  I got scared so I finally told her.  At the time this happened I was four years old and I didn't know much of anything.  Later on I told them that it was my brother that was touching me and they couldn't believe it, me and him are nine years apart so he knew what he was doing.  I remember that they hit him and told him so many things because of what he had done to me.  As the years passed by somehow I forgot about it and lived my life normally.  I don't know how, but I had forgotten.  Until I was in middle school, that's when I started getting flashbacks of everything it was almost like it was a nightmare but it didn't come true and I was like this for about two years wondering did it really happen?  So one day, very scared and nervous to know the truth. I told my older sister how I was feeling and the flashbacks I would get.  She told me everything and it was true I was molested at age four by my older brother; I just broke down crying because I was hoping it wasn't true.  I used to be depressed and didn't know why but after so many years I've learned to deal with it and leave it in the past.  When I have kids I would prevent any of this happening at all.  I don't want my kids to go through what I went through if I know I can prevent it I'll make sure I do.  It's sad to say that your own children aren't safe in their own home.

One night I got so fed up with him and her.  I opened my door and watched him run away with his pants at his ankle and started yelling at both of them, telling her he is never going to stop, to make him leave, and yelling at him to just leave me alone.  Then I got in the shower, while I was in there I could hear him tapping at the door whispering, 'You know what I want'.  I stayed in there a while just crying in the shower.   He always claimed he didn't remember what he did.  That it was the alcohol and that he was sorry.  Yet he was never sorry enough to quit drinking.  I couldn't and can't understand how my Mother, the person who is supposed to watch out for me, allows this man to continue to live in our house' I'm still scared to this day to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  My door has to be locked and shut every time I am in my room.  It's my house, the place where I should feel the safest, yet it is the place I am most afraid of.  I've threatened to leave.  Telling her it's me or him.  She always tells him he has two weeks to leave, yet on week three he's still there and not going anywhere.  She says kicking him out when he has nowhere to go isn't right, and I ask her, 'is making me live with this man right?'  The worst part is that my Mom allows him to still live here, and there's a part of me that hates her for that.  (Name) hasn't been at my door or done anything in a while, but I'm still afraid.  I'm afraid that one night he will start again and even take it further.