speak out relationships
Relationship Issues
Relationships! Partners! The vast majority of us want one. Relationships are hard...
as you will see when you read these stories. Issues such as; cheating, trust, control,
communication and jealousy. We come from different backgrounds, sometimes different
Religions, possibly different races and/or cultures. The 'key' is to find a way to
bridge those differences in loving and healthy ways. Where do you begin? Most professionals,
in the area of relationships , will tell you the foundation to a healthy relationship
is trust. As I tell my students, 'When trust ( the foundation) is broken you must
tear down the house and rebuild.' Trust is the first of the building blocks. This
takes time to build, it does not happen over night.
However, the first step, the veryfirst step, is self-love. Self- love is, 'the desire to promote one's own well being; high regard for one's self'. Think of it this way. Think about your best friend or maybe a sibling, what do you want for them? You want them to be treated by their partner with love and respect. Now look in the mirror, are you your own 'best friend'.? Become your best friend, in this way, you will not allow anyone to mistreat your best friend. You will 'walk away' early on, from people who do not treat your best friend with love and respect. You will have the freedom to allow only positive people (in all areas of your life), into your life.
Remember, you can be individuals, and still be in a relationship...
'Love doesn't require two people look at each other, but that they look together in
the same direction.'
author unknown
-------------------------------------------
(m) My girlfriend is very clingy sometimes. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?
(f) My boyfriend cheated on me. Now the trust is broken, is it even worth trying to get it (trust) back and how do you begin to trust that individual again. I have to ask myself, is it possible?
(f) I decided to write about jealousy. I met this guy that would become my first serious relationship. At first everything was great, however, things slowly started to change as time went on; my boyfriend began revealing his true self. It began with small things' now his jealousy is completely out of control.
' I know he is just insecure and I have done my best to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about, but it makes no difference. His jealousy has turned him into a completely different person; it's turned him into a monster. His jealousy has become so irrational that it's gotten to the point where I am no longer allowed to see my friends, I am no longer allowed to dress a certain way or listen to certain music, and I am no longer able to talk about things he thinks are inappropriate. It's just reached a ridiculous point. I thought that maybe I could help him change, but now I realize that he has to want to change. His jealousy really scares me now; it's reached the point where he'll hit me if he is angry enough. I've tried ending it with him, but he just laughs in my face. According to him I just want to end it so I can be a whore with the rest of my friends. He says he's invested too much of his time in me and he won't let me go. I know this isn't a healthy relationship, but I just don't know what to do. I feel too ashamed to tell my family or my friends. They know I have a rocky relationship, but they don't realize the magnitude of the problems it has reached. I feel like I'm trapped. I want to have a healthy relationship with someone. I see happy couples everywhere and it just depresses me. I realize that this relationship is going to have a huge impact on every relationship I may have from now on and hopefully it has taught me something. The only problem I have now is taking that first step out of this prison. I just don't know how to do it.
(f) I just got out of a two year relationship, because of lack of communication, outrageous jealousy and even some verbal abuse. Through the lectures we had in class I realized that what I thought was real love wasn't love at all. We never really communicated to each other to a point where we really understood each other which caused problems like lying and yelling and jealousy. ' I realized if I didn't get out of this now I'd probably let it go on. The jealousy I experienced over me was something I've never been exposed to before at times it got really scary for me and I was afraid to tell him if I wanted to do something with a friend or family member. And that's not the way love is supposed to be. I learned that somebody who really loves you will respect you with what ever decision you decide to make and just wants to see you happy. Not hurt or scared or crying.
(f) ' A couple of years ago I was in a relationship who most people wouldn't classify as being healthy. Between my ex-boyfriend and I communication was almost non existent and arguments became a daily routine' He tried to control my life about what I would wear, who I could talk to and who he would allow me to go out with. At a point I thought it was real love because that made me feel like he really did care about me and it was his way of showing it. Luckily I opened my eyes on time and realized what I was allowing him to do to me wasn't ok and that I had to get out of that relationship before it went to extremes and would be unsafe.
(m) I have had a lot of problems with dating, mainly because I am an intensely jealous person. My last relationship with' ended in disaster. 'When he was away from me', I couldn't help but thinking that he would be cheating on me, all the time. That relates to that one lecture you gave about jealousy in relationships. I really am that psycho woman you talked about that thinks her husband is cheating every time he goes out with his friends. I don't really know where this stems from, but it really gets to me sometimes, I feel trapped. I don't feel like I can ever trust anybody, ever again, and I think it's because my last major relationship ended with me being cheated on' Instead of seeking help, I am destroying myself day after day thinking that my partner will cheat on me. The relationship I talked about' ended a few months ago, after he got sick of me accusing him' I'm scared, day after day, that I won't find anybody who loves me'
(f) I was in a relationship for a 'little over a year', dealing with a very jealous boyfriend. At the beginning of my relationship, it was great. There were no problems, but then about three months into it, things changed drastically. Everything I did, everywhere I went, he questioned. ' His jealousy ruined our relationship. '
(f)' One major issue I have right now with my current boyfriend is trust. Although I know my boyfriend is not the type to cheat on me, I still find it hard to trust him. 'if he doesn't call me throughout the day I begin to get many different ideas in my head of what he is doing. 'Now I would consider myself an extremely jealous girlfriend' I think I am very jealous because I am afraid that he is going to cheat on me and I just want to prevent it by having to know everywhere my boyfriend is and what he is doing at all times.
(m) ' I have some frequent problems with jealousy, but I do not take it to the extreme. Usually, I would feel sad, and would blame myself for focusing on my insecurities. For example, she danced with that guy because I'm ugly. ' I go from angry to sad then depressed. ' We were talking about what would enhance our sexual experience. She says that she would really like romance, and in my head all I saw or thought was '?'. When she said 'romance' I was confused. I had no idea what she meant.
(f) ' In my opinion, I believe if you are a jealous person it shows that you don't trust your partner and that you are an insecure person. If you really like your partner you should trust them and that's going to make your relationship stronger. I know for me it's really hard to trust someone easily. But I think that's what dating is for. To get to know the person for quite a while and then you decide if you can trust them or not. ' And I have to admit I am a little jealous sometimes.
' I trust my partner very much'. But who I don't trust is other girls trying to flirt with guys they don't even know. '
(f) Growing up in a cultural environment I have seen that dating is a crime for girls to do in our religion, Islam. I'm a Muslim girl; I believe that dating is not a crime' Everyone has the right to date. When a person is dating; they learn many things about others and also about themselves. ' Most parents think that their child should follow the path of their parents' beliefs. I wouldn't prefer to marry an unknown person who my parents think is good for me. Most parents think that dating is sex. Parents should trust their children and allow them to date. Religion should be followed but they (parents) should change their thoughts and beliefs. In this way there will be many girls who don't have to sacrifice their lives for their parents' happiness and to live with a life partner who they don't love and can't share their feelings with. Dating is not a crime to do'
(f) ' I am realizing that being jealous toward your significant other is unhealthy for a relationship. ' my last relationship went beyond the jealousy stage and moved on to him becoming possessive. He seemed like everything I was looking for, until he asked to see my phone. ' he was looking in my phone to see if I would talk to any other guys besides him. Slowly he began to be by my side wherever I went. 'if he felt that a guy was looking at me he would suffocate my space and begin kissing me and grabbing me. All the public affection terrified me because it made me feel as if he controlled my body and I had no say. ' he began to talk about not wanting to ever let go of me and how I wasn't allowed to go around his guy friends. ' It got so bad that when I would be spending time with my Mom he would follow me wherever I went. I wasn't allowed to have any friends' I tried to leave him several times but he would threaten me that he would kill himself. I began to blame his being obsessive on myself. Until one day he held me hostage for four complete days and kept forcing me to have sex with him. I would cry and fought him off. Unfortunately it took a big situation like that for me to realize that I didn't deserve that, and that there are good guys out there somewhere.
(m) 'when it comes to my significant other she was making problems that were destroying our relationship. She would go to great lengths to find signs of me cheating on her. She would look through my cell phone (for girls numbers) and call them yelling and screaming to stay away from me. Her assumption of me cheating and talking to other girls destroyed not only our relationship, but our friendship. Jealousy caused her to be nagging, mean, and someone I couldn't trust'.
(f) ... I believed that if a person displayed jealousy within a relationship then that was a sign that the person really cared about their partner, and if the person showed signs of extreme jealousy then that person really loved their partner. ' I learned that a person's jealousy is not a sign of their love, but it's a sign of their insecurities. I also learned that if jealousy is present in a relationship, then that relationship is unhealthy. My new found knowledge of jealousy caused me to evaluate my own relationship. I noticed my partner is extremely jealous and did not trust me. I felt anger and frustration from getting accused of things I was not doing.
(m) ' I have a slight trust problem. I never seemed to have had it at all (trusting) with previous relationships until my parents started going through a divorce. ' it seems my mother had an affair with another man. ' within that year (of being with his girlfriend) I had been showing signs of distrusting her. I personally hate it because it is not me at all !! I never used to do that. I have had a hard time coping that my Mother could have done that. Which makes me wonder if she did it (Mother) so could my girlfriend and that's not fair to her (girlfriend) at all. One of the things that has really helped us through these times is our communication with one another. We communicate a lot more openly and freely. We both believe that communication is defiantly one of the key essentials to a successful relationship and/or marriage.
(f) ' I recently had a very hard breakup up with my now ex-boyfriend. 'We let everything mount up and create these huge fights that left one or both of us in tears 'Every time I would try to say what was on my mind I felt like my cries would fall on deaf ears, sometimes I felt they fell on ones that did not care. ' My ex was not just my ex he was my best friend. ' Because I kept quiet I ruined one of the best things I had going for me. ' To be fair and honest I have a really bad track record, I've always been afraid of relationships and love, I've been afraid of feeling how I feel now. My whole life I have run away from those who love me and now I'd give anything to run back to one love I now realize wasn't going to harm me. I always saw my parents fight, from yelling to fist fights, and I always swore that I'd never live through that again. That promise to myself turned me into this person I can't even describe, I was so struck on saving myself from that life, that I let something wonderful slip through my fingers, I always wanted it to be clear that I wasn't going to be treated in any slight way badly. 'When I was younger I wasn't allowed to voice my opinions, communicating with my family just did not happen, God knows what could have happened if I had said the wrong thing. My family has left me because of things that were said, blamed me for ridiculous things, and shattered my faith in any kind of love. Because of bad communication my Mother and I have never really gotten along' she's had a strong dislike for me for as long as I can remember, I'm still not too sure what started it all. I've missed so much that now I am determined to get back to what could have been and find what could have been a potentially happy ending. I do not want to be another angry person. Anger will only destroy the person who holds it in their heart, the same goes with fear.
Resources
Relationships, Web sites:
Positive-way.com/jealousy.htm
Relationships Books:
Talk to Me: How To Create Positive Loving Communication; Steven C Martin & Cathrine A. Martin
No More Jealousy; Susie and Otto Collins
The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships. Cynthia Ward & Sue Patton Thoele
Betrayal Trust and Forgiveness: A Guide To Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal.Beth Hedva, Ph.D
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay; A step by step guide to helping you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship. Mira Kirsenbaum
Co Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.Melody Beattie
Hazelden Center City, Mn. 1986, Second ed. 1992
Getting The Love You Want. A Guide for Couples. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D, Owl Book, 1988
Mindful Loving; Practices for Creating Deeper Connections. Henry Grayson, Ph.D. Gotham Books
Other Sections
----------------------------------------------
Stay Connected