speak out sexual orientation

Issues of Sexual Orientation

I danced like I never danced before 

The papers in this section deal mainly with sexual orientation; specifically homosexuality and bisexuality.

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We find slightly varying definitions of sexual orientation; however, they all have the same basic premise.  Homosexuality, bisexuality, heterosexuality and asexuality are all terms used to identify one's sexual orientation, sexual and emotional attraction based on the gender of one's partner (Human Sexuality; Strong Devault).  Heterosexuals are attracted to the opposite sex, homosexuals to the same sex, bisexuals to both sexes and asexuals lack sexual interest. 

As I read the stories pertaining to this issue, tears came to my eyes.    As I read, paper after paper, I saw my students were struggling.  In this section, on sexual orientation, recurrent themes glared blatantly from the pages.  Fears, so many fears; self punishment (I am bad), Religion (What does God say?), Family and friends rejection, and depression and isolation.

So many of the papers in this section talk about the coming out process; wanting to come out with the inner desire to Be who they really are.

The majority of literature on coming out (to identify oneself as lesbian, gay or bisexual), suggests to become comfortable with yourself first.  This can include (but not limited to) asking yourself a few questions such as:  Am I comfortable with my sexual identity? (Do you still have feelings of self doubt, depression, fear?), do I have support outside of my family?(Friends, extended family, support groups), questions such as these, need to be addressed before you declare yourself to the world. 

It all comes full circle, back to the self, self concept, self image, and self esteem and most importantly, self-love.   I hope, by possibly relating to some of these stories, keep in mind.  You are not alone.  There is help, guidance and support awaiting you.

This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. Shakespeare-Hamlet

Student's Voices

(m)  I am afraid my family will turn against me if they find out I am gay.

(f)  I grew up Catholic and was taught God will hate me if I am gay

When one thinks about coming out to their parents, they can probably think of only one thing: hoping their parents will accept them.  For me, wanting to come out to my parents is such a difficult situation and a huge step, I must think of my future before revealing to them that I am a lesbian.  One of my main problems of tying to come out is fear.  I am afraid they will disown me and not accept me for who I am because of my heritage and religious background.  I am a catholic Mexican-American.  With those two things alone it is scary!  My father would take it the hardest because he believes homosexuality is a sin, they will all go to hell and homosexuality is a disease. My Mother will do the what did I do wrong to deserve this.

(m)  When I was in elementary school I was always being made fun of by other males and they called me names Growing up I just couldnt decide what my identity was because I felt like I was a man but had feelings toward males.  I felt like I was the only one in school that would have strong feelings towards the same gender

I am in my early twenties and sexual orientation is a big concern and a big part of my life.  I have been dealing with this dilemma since I was about 12 years old.  I came to the conclusion at the late age of twenty that I was not a heterosexual.  I was very happy at finding myself and I knew after that day there was not a question anymore about who I was.  concerns of acceptance did occur, I still felt I would be o.k. and I would get through it.  I looked for help, brochures, people to communicate with, and places to go, so I would not have to go through this extreme time of emotions all alone.  I am struggling with the idea of telling my family; coming out to them because I am afraid they will not understand or worse, reject me.  I have been told God does not accept homosexuals and I would go to hell.  It is hard for me to believe that he would create us, forgive our sins; and at the same time send you to hell for being who you are.  when I was younger I always felt something was not right.  I finally realized what I needed to do to achieve happiness in my life.  I needed to embrace who I was born to be!

(m)  I grew up with a fatal attraction to guys.  I was raised to fulfill my parents dream marrying a woman and having kids.  Somewhere, growing up, I came to realize that the life planned for me was not what I wanted.  I wanted a life that was the complete opposite. In the sixth grade I got my first boyfriend.  it was a secret from the rest of the world.  it became very stressful.  Kids at school were never accepting so I had to remain in the closet.   It was my deepest and darkest secret never to be shared with anyone.  In eleventh grade we broke up and depression hit very hard. After this, I thought I could be straight and got a girlfriend, it lasted about three days.  Later, I met a guy who helped me.  He helped me come out to my parents (who didnt take it very well).  He helped show me that there is nothing wrong with making yourself happy by accepting who you truly are.  I came to realize I am gay and that there was no changing that.  Its who I am and if people cant deal with it then fine.  I know who I am and as long as I stay true to myself and hold on to my own hopes and dreams Im going to be ok.  A lot of my friends and most of my family are behind me and help me stay strong through all of this.  There will be more challenges along my way but I am ready to take on anything to come my way because my sexual orientation will not stop me.  Sexual orientation does not define a person.  Someday people will come to understand. 

(m) I was dancing like I never danced before June 2007, in an extravagant parade the gay community of Los Angels marched through the streets with a sense of disregard to what society hold against them.  That day served to me as an eye opener, I was in the closet.  I did not know what to think.  Everybody was laughing and having fun, having drinks and meeting new people, but why wasnt I uncomfortable surrounded by so many homosexuals?  in other circumstances, when I was around homosexuals (friends or acquaintances) there is an uneasiness in me.  I dont know the answer to that question, but I do know that today after having gone to the parade I am a different person.  I thought I understood the term get out of the closet, for those five hours I knew what being gay is like because that day I was gay.  The atmosphere was perfect for me the real (name) to come out and play.   Incredibly my perception of what being gay means changed on the dance floor.  I was dancing like I have never danced before.

Society has outcast homosexuality for centuries because we tend to believe that same sex relationships is grouse and sinful but on the other hand, being gay means more than just having sex with someone of the same gender.  I found that being gay means being okay with yourself and leaving all the clichs that society implants in us in the closet and come out with nothing but awareness of our world, kindness and respect for our brother and sisters.  My sexuality is not determined or assured by how many girls I have sex with but rather with how comfortable I am with the person I am with and how comfortable the other person is with me.

(m)  I came out to my parents the minute I graduated from High School.  I was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  My Mom told me that she could give a rats ass what those hypocritical Christians and Catholics have to say about my lifestyle.  She told me that I am her son, her flesh and blood, and that there is no way in hell that she is going to let religion tell her different, let alone tell her to hate and disparage me for something as stupid as orientation.

After coming out to my parents, life seems so much more fun and enjoyable.  My relationship with my Mom and Dad is much more genuine; I finally feel like myself when I am around them.  I discuss issues with my parents, especially issues regarding religion.  My parents are believers of God, but very indifferent with organized religion. I see myself as an Agnostic on the verge toward Atheism..  I hate religion; it is that plain and simple.  After watching several news coverages of dumb ass protesters with signs proclaiming that: God Hates Fags! I feel as if I have to be careful who I associate with

(f) Honestly, before coming out, I thought my whole life was going to turn upside down, but it didnt.  my life has been better

Coming out was so crazy  I came out to my Mom first, well more like interrogated by her.  It was my sophomore year in High School.  she just asked me, um are you gay?  I couldnt think of anything to say but yes Mom, I am.  Sad to say, to this day, shes still in denial; she continues to think that I was either joking about it, or that I was going through a phase.  my sister at first kept blaming the basketball team saying that they turned me out and that I was going through a phase.  To this day she has not fully accepted it, but she is tolerating it, which is a plus.  My Dad on the other hand is barely even questioning my sexuality

(f) Sexual orientation for me is a very touchy subject mainly because I dont see why most people make such a big deal about it.  Ok, so big deal if I like another girl or my best guy friend likes another guy, is it hurting anyone?  Around the 7th grade I started to notice boys and thats when all the girls were doing the whole omg boys, boys, boys! thing and I never really did that.  I was the one that was like ok, I guess he is cute but really in the back of my mind it was, hmmm shes kind of cute but that is where I kept it, in the back of my mind.  on the inside I can feel myself checking out girls more and with boys, I was still attracted to but not as much as girls.  I had denied it the first two years of High School career because all my girl friends were talking about guys and I had been taught boys like girls and girls like boys.  I slowly started to come out of the closet, when a friend asked me if I was gay I simply answered, I dont know

I am a some what sensitive person and having a father like mine just made things that much harder, I was afraid to even think about coming out to my parents or give them the slightest clue.  From an early age my dad had instilled a fear in me making everything I did feel wrong to me.  From around 10 years old he would physically abuse me Every time I was happy I felt like it was wrong and liking girls felt so good and right that it made me feel bad and feel something was not right with me. My dad is a homophobe ..

The bottom line is that I am attracted to both boys and girls, way more to girls then guys but still both.  I am one of those people that think labels are stupid and I hate to use them but I am bisexual. It feels strange even writing that because I dont think I have ever really written it before or told someone I really didnt know.    I have now told both my parents, my dad acts as if I never even told him and my mom knows and respects it, she even jokes around with me from time to time which I love because it lets me know that no matter what I am still her daughter.  I can now honestly say without hesitation that I am gay and it is not wrong.  In my perspective it doesnt matter who you like whether its a man or woman, its whats on the inside that matters and I dont care if the world thinks I am stupid or nave for that, its the truth. 

(f) Defining my sexual orientation to people has always been very confusing for me.  For one thing I dont necessarily feel that I have to explain my sexuality to anyone and I dont really care what people think, but when it comes down to being honest with my family and close friends it becomes a problem.

When I hit puberty I started messing around with girls.  I was very confused in the beginning mainly because I had religion and my mother in my mind telling me that it was wrong.  The thing is that it never felt like something I shouldnt have been doing.  It was fun and I was happy going around school kissing girls, at the same time though I was still attracted to boys.  Back then I had the impression that I was supposed to choose between the two.  Then I got to high school and everything changed.  I found out people considered me to be bisexual.  I wasnt so comfortable with the label and for a while I refrained from being seen in public with another girl.  I only had boyfriends.  In a way I thought acting completely straight would be the easy way out.  Once I started getting involved in different women organization and learned about feminism I became less worried about other peoples judgments.  Things became much easier once I started college mainly because everyone here is more educated and sometimes open minded.

I think this class has helped me understand my sexuality a little bit better.  Now I feel like I dont have to choose male or female.  I can easily love a man as much as a woman and sex can be fun with both as well.  It really doesnt make a difference to me.  Some people find it hard to understand my choice of loving someone for the person they are and not for what sex organs they might have.  Although I still try to be part of the LGBT (Lesbian,Gay,Bisexual and Transgender) community, I really dont label myself as bisexual.  Honestly, Im still not comfortable with that term.  I might still have some confusion but I am getting closer to just accepting myself for who I am.  I guess its a long process but Im trying my best.  Im fortunate enough to have friends who are very understanding and supportive of my decisions.  It really makes it a lot easier to have support from people that I care about.

(f) Every night before I go to bed I ask God why do I have feelings that for society are a sin?  I ask him if its a sin to forgive me if its wrong.  Daily I live with this feeling that I have to keep inside of me if I show it outside it will hurt many people that I love and I will not risk that.  What I am trying to say is that I am Bisexual.  It is hard because I come from a traditional Mexican family.  Today being different in society is being more accepted but to a very cultural family like mine is the worst of sins.  My parents are good people but if I come out of the closet I will be like dead to them.  As I try and explain how I feel and how I keep this feeling inside of me, that, day by day hurts me more and more.  They [society] say that our feelings are a sin, but, to me we all have love and we all love in our own different way

Since I was a kid I was scared of what I thought and how I felt but as I grew up many amazing people came into my life and helped me out little by little to start being comfortable with myself and start to come out a little.  Up to now I am out half way and as life keeps on going I hope I will come out completely and be accepted as I am not only on the inside but the outside too.  For me being Bisexual at first was hell but now I have been able to control it, if my family wants me to be with a man I could do that and at the same time knowing to control myself and stay away from the same sex.  The only thing to say is I dont see a difference between a straight person and a gay one.  We all have feelings and as I am one [Bisexual], I know I am not a bad person 

(m)  Excuse me but why do people care so much who I have sex with?  I am so tired of people being upset with people who dont follow what they say are the rules.  I am attracted to men and females, I have had a relationship with both and I have had sex with both.  I dont know why I have to choose.  My choice is up to me.  I dont tell to many people because I dont want to listen to them  My family would freak out if they knew for now I will keep it to myself.

Resources

Organizations/Websites:

  • www.SICUS.org (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States)
  • Develops, collects, and disseminates sexuality education information.
  • www.thetaskforce.org   Organization helps gay and lesbian movement (toward equality) at the state and local level with a vision for national change.
  • www.apa.org(topics/orientation) This American Psychological Association site includes information on orientation, coming out, and prejudice and discrimination 
  • www.outproud.org Welcome to the World Wide Web site for OutProud, The National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth. 
  • www.pflag.org  Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays                                                                 
  • Excellent resource for parents of, and gays and lesbians, site includes; coming out issues, parents concerns, where to find answers and guidance (Includes resources for Welcoming Religious and Spiritual Groups).
  • www.centerlb.org Greater Long Beach Gay and Lesbian Center 
  • www.lagaycenter.org Greater Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center 
  • www.gapsn.org Gay Asian Pacific Support Network 
  • www.uloah.com United Lesbians of African Heritage
  • www.thetrevorproject.org The Trevor Helpline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention hotline aimed at gay and questioning youth. 
  • www.glnh.org Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline provides telephone and email peer-counseling and local resources. 1-888-843-4564. 
  • www.biresource.org Bisexual Resource Center 
  • www.lyric.org Where Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, queer and questioning youth are embraced for who they are and encouraged to be who they want to be. 
  • www.affirmation.org  For Lesbian and Gay Mormons 
  • www.bcc.la.org  Reform synagogue for Jewish Lesbians and Gays 
  • www.dignityusa.org Outreach to gay and lesbian Catholics 
  • www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org Information and referral services for gays and lesbians 
  • www.glassla.org  Gay and Lesbian social services 
  • www.centerlb.org  Gay and lesbian center for the greater long beach area 
  • www.lambdalegal.org  Legal services and referrals for Gays and Lesbians
  • www.lcna.org  For Gay and Lesbian Lutherans
  • www.mccla.org  Christian based church 
  • www.thetrevorproject.org  24 hour referral services 
  • Quest Counseling for referrals  call: 323)225-2228 
  • www.allsaints-pas.org  For Catholic gays and lesbians

Books: 

  • Borhek, Mary V. Coming Out to Parents, Cleveland Ohio; The Pilgrim Press, 1993
    (A survival guide for gays, lesbians and their parents) 
  • Bass, Ellen and Kate Kaufman.  free your mind. Ca;Harper Perennial, 1996
    (Path finding guide for gay, lesbian and bisexual youth) 
  • Handel, Linda.  Now Youre Out of the Closet, What about the Rest of the House? Naperville, IL; Sourcebooks, Inc, 1998
    (licensed therapist explores; childhood issues, dating and sex, abuse and self-hatred of gays and lesbians)
  • DeGeneres,Betty. Love Ellen. New York, New York; Wm. Morrow and Company, Inc.
    (Famed comedian Ellen DeGeneres mother writes of her journey toward acceptance of her lesbian daughter)
  • Trachtenberg, Robert. When I Knew. New York, New York; Harper Collins
    (Collection of stories pertaining when gays and lesbians realized they were gay)
     

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